“I HAD A VERY HARD TIME understanding the nuances of transgenderism as an 8-year-old girl.”
I did not feel that any of my father’s [male] partners were really there in the home for me. I felt like my brothers and I were neglected. Our needs were not met. I don’t remember any one of my father’s partners reaching out and saying, “Dawn, how are you feeling? How was your day?” And really really caring about me. But what I did feel was, I was being criticized about my appearance. That I had to go out and get something more fashionable. Or wear Chanel No. 5. Or get my hair done. . . .
My father affiliated almost all of the time with the gay subcultures. But of course we had the GLBT LGBT subcultures – even though everyone was separate under that umbrella, there were times when we would see each other. The transendered males were often – I had a hard time figuring out if they were gay males dressed up in drag, or they were men that actually thought of themselves as females. I had a very hard time understanding the nuances of transgenderism as an 8-year-old girl.
I didn’t feel that my own femininity and womanhood was being affirmed, and valued, and loved, in that kind of environment, in fact, I felt that it was better to be a gay male, or even a transgender male, than it was to be a little girl growing up. I always felt that I really wasn’t lovable because I did not see the men in my life loving women. . . .
I have to say that of all the adult children I’ve spoken to and had communication with, via email, almost all of us have had some level of sexuality confusion. Not that we came out and labeled ourselves. But we struggled. A number of us—I don’t know about Rivka, but with myself, there was sexual abuse. There was sexual abuse with other adult children I have spoken to. So it’s a very sexualized environment. Not just within the home but within the subculture that I was exposed to.